


The Mark He's Made On My Skin

by marsakat



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, First Time, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Religious Conflict, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, weirdly enough I tried to make this match the real life timeline as much as possible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:56:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6526600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsakat/pseuds/marsakat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mark appears on their thirteenth birthdays; Josh proudly showed it off, while Tyler hid and cried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scared of my own image

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a sucker for soulmate!AUs so here's my contribution.

The mark faded in slowly over the hours of Josh’s thirteenth birthday, just like it was supposed to happen.  He found the place where it would be for the rest of his life almost immediately as the clock struck midnight.  It was right above his left knee and fairly large for how soulmate marks usually were.  It would take a couple more hours before it was legible, and Josh examined it while brushing his teeth that morning.

_Tyler_

All the Tylers Josh knew were boys.  Where they his soulmates? What would his friends say?  Could his soulmate be a girl that used a boy’s name? There were girls in his class called Alex, Max, Sam, and Frankie.  Why wouldn’t she be named Tyler? He googled a list of “boy names for girls” and sure enough ‘Tyler’ was on the list.  He breathed easily and started getting dressed, saving the list for when his friends would question him.  He wasn’t sure how they would react.

It was June, most people were wearing shorts as the school year wound down.  There was no air conditioning in the old building, and Josh knew people would be asking to see his mark anyway.  So he wore the darkening letters proudly, and his parents and siblings scrutinized the handwriting.

“Josh, it’s okay,” reassured his mother, “You’re soulmates for a reason and we will accept it when the time comes.

“But Tyler can be a girl’s name!” Josh replied.

“Josh likes boys. Josh likes boys,” his sisters giggled.

“Shut up!” Josh yells.  He never thought about if he liked boys or not.  He always assumed that he liked girls, but at thirteen he didn’t have much experience with either.  But if it’s his destiny, so be it.

“It’s his birthday, you have to be nice to him,” Jordan said wisely.

Josh’s friends were nicer about it than he worried.  Josh figured it was probably because a lot of them didn’t have their own marks yet, so they didn’t want to be teased if they get a boy’s name as well. 

Josh looked for every one named Tyler in his school, but it didn’t seem that any of these boys were his soulmate since he didn’t feel the telltale ache behind the mark when he saw them.  He’ll find them one day he assured himself, patting the name.  Josh felt quite fond of the mark, and wore shorts all summer and as late into the autumn as he could, hoping someone would recognize their signature.  He was anxious to know them.

* * *

Tyler searched his whole body for an hour straight on his thirteenth birthday, unitl he found the mark materializing on the upper part of his right thigh.  What a weird place to be touched by your soulmate for the first time.  It was small, just a few letters but Tyler could make out a lower case ‘j’.  He stayed awake all night, checking every hour to see the word form.  He cried when he realized it was the name “Josh,” because the church and everything he ever learned said this was sinful and wrong.  There was no way to hide it now, even his parents would know what he’d been repressing lately.

“You know, Church teachings are that the mark doesn’t always mean a, uh, romantic bond.  Sometimes an intense platonic relationship is marked, but the persons can still marry other people,” his father said at the dinner table, as Tyler stared sadly at his pancakes.

“We still love you, Tyler.  We just want you to understand what we believe about…this,” His mother embraced him and Tyler refused to cry.  They didn’t understand that Tyler thought about guys in _that_ way and for what he prayed was just a phase was now confirmed.  The rest of breakfast was a silent affair, and Tyler ran off to his room as soon as he was excused.

He only knew one Josh through church, but he was two years older and his mark certainly didn’t say Tyler.  It wasn’t like he knew lots and lots of people since he was homeschooled, but next year his parents were letting him go to the high school his dad worked at.  Maybe this _friend_ would be there.

Tyler was glad it was winter so when his friends asked to see the mark, he had an excuse to not strip out of his jeans.  He told them he wanted to keep it a secret (which a lot of people did), but let them know it was a ‘J’ name and they spent an hour guessing “Jamie, Jackie, Jane, Jenna, Jessica, Jasmine, Jeannie…”

* * *

 

Neither met their soulmate in high school, but Josh came to terms that maybe he wasn’t 100% straight—the mark only confirming that.  He figured he must be bi or something ambiguous because everyone seemed okay to him.  He dated a few girls that weren’t named Tyler, and had a strange friends-with-benefits relationship with a guy that also wasn’t named Tyler the summer after he graduated high school.  Josh didn’t go off to college, instead working shitty day jobs and joining different bands and stuff at night.  Josh didn’t have a life plan besides making music, but he had no idea how to pursue that.  Josh felt lost.  So if anything, the whole ‘finding your soulmate’ thing slipped to the back of his mind for now—they were destined to be together, so they’d find each other eventually.

Tyler tried the college thing, but it just wasn’t for him.  He felt so lonely and isolated even though his home was pretty much in the same town.  Tyler felt himself slipping further into a black hole of depression and decided dropping out was his best option to survive.  But dropping out meant that people looked at him as a failure.  He kept writing songs about his feelings, and even started a band with two friends, and those were the times he felt saved.

Tyler poured every ounce of himself into making it work and playing shows, releasing all the energy he ever kept bottled up.  He knew he scared some people with his words and his performances.  People kept asking his mother if Tyler was okay or if he needed some help.  She assured them that this was his help.  She was so supportive and helped sell tickets and convinced people—even students at the college he’d dropped out of—to go to the show. 

Tyler was feeling fulfilled most of the time; he was living out of his parents’ house in a house with four friends, meeting new people and doing what he liked.  They even released an album—though they were the ones paying for it to be distributed and put on iTunes.  It was a physical manifestation of their hard work.  But Tyler had some doubts about Chris and Nick sometimes.  For them, this was a fun project to do at night and on weekends, but for Tyler this was his whole life.  All his dreams were to just spread his music to others, and it was echoes of crowds he wished for at night. 

Tyler tried not to think about the name on his thigh.

* * *

 

Josh met Chris at Guitar Center, and they’d talk about drums a lot.  Everyone there was in some sort of band, and CDs of whatever they were working on were traded like baseball cards.  Josh always made a point to listen, and he was actually really impressed by Chris’ band.  It was just so different from what everyone else was doing, and he was enthralled.  Josh promised Chris he’d go to the next show.

Josh brought two friends along and they moved slowly towards the front of the crowd…well it wasn’t much of a crowd.  It seemed to be kids that were just out to hear some new music and have fun.  Josh didn’t pay that much attention to the band setting up, simply waving briefly at Chris before turning back to his friends.  It was only when the music started up that Josh realized he was screwed.  His mark started to ache, and he tried to remember what the names of Chris’ bandmates, but in his panic couldn’t recall if someone was named Tyler.  His soulmate was nearby—maybe they were in the crowd.  The proximity drove his heart rate up as the tempo raced.

It was towards the end of the set that the singer’s eyes scanned the crowd in full.  When they reached Josh’s and locked upon him, both felt a simultaneous shooting pain in their legs; Josh’s left and Tyler’s right.  Tyler nearly stumbled over his words, and rushed back to the piano to rest his aching leg and collect himself.  He kept looking over at the boy and knew that this was his soulmate, and _oh no_ he was hot.  He hoped this Josh liked his music.

 _”How did he find him though?”_ All these people here were either here because they knew someone or Tyler’s mom had wrangled them to come.  It must be fate, as things seemed to be with soulmates, because why else was Josh here, right now?

For the first time ever, Tyler wanted the show to be over so he could jump down and meet him.  It took everything in his willpower to not rush through the last two songs.  His thigh hurt whenever he took his eyes off of Josh for too long, since it needed for them to touch before it would stop aching.  But even the end of the set didn’t mean he could go face his destiny, since they had to take down their stuff because the next band was waiting to take the stage. 

“That was awesome!” Chris said as Tyler helped him carry equipment, unaware that Tyler was completely in a fog, “So many people came tonight, even one of my friends from Guitar Center is here!  You gotta meet him, he’s really cool.”

Tyler was aware of himself making a noise of agreement, but he was too busy thinking of the best way to introduce himself to Josh.  There was no way Josh leave before meeting him; he had to feel that they were soulmates.  Josh would want to know him, unless he was one of those people that rejected a same sex soulmark.

Tyler was busy scanning the room looking for the dark haired boy as Chris dragged him towards this coworker.  Tyler paid so little attention that he tripped over his shoelace and fell forward onto someone’s legs.  The stranger’s knee dug into the tender mark there and arms grabbed him before he completely faceplanted.

“You okay?” said the person and Tyler looked up to see it was _him_.

“Hi. I’m awkward.”

“Hey awkward, I’m Josh.”

“Did you just dad joke me?” Tyler said in disbelief.

“Maybe,” Josh grinned and Tyler wondered if it would be weird if he took a picture of Josh’s face in that moment, so he could keep it forever.

“Well Josh, this is my roommate Tyler,” Chris cut in, smirking hard.

“I promise I’m not normally this clumsy.”

“Can I buy you both a drink?”

“Just Coke please,” Tyler’s mouth running away from him, “I don’t drink alcohol.”

“That’s cool,” Josh said, “So you live together?”

“Yeah, with a whole bunch of people, they’re…here,” Tyler gestured wildly, “So, uh what do you do?”

“Well move boxes mainly, but they’ve been letting me work up in the front lately.  That’s how I got to meet Chris.”

“He plays drums too,” added Chris.

“Cool…cool,” Tyler said enthusiastically, bobbing his head and trying to remember how to act like a normal person, when he was saved by some friends from church coming up exclaiming how much they liked the show.

“It was really nice meeting you,” Josh said over their heads, “I gotta go…early day at work tomorrow.”

“We should—uh—we should hang out sometime.  Chris could bring you over to the apartment?”

“Yeah.  That’d be…sick,” Josh smiled

“See ya,” they both said and walked away from each other.  Tyler was actively trying to not have a heart attack, and Josh was practically bouncing as he followed his friends outside.  Even in that short interaction, he took as many mental notes as possible to record every detail about his _actually adorable_ soulmate.

* * *

 

“Tyler, what the hell’s been going on with you tonight?” Mark said later on as they all sat around the kitchen table later that night.

“What do you mean?” he responded, snapping out of his daze.

“You haven’t said a word since we left the VFW, and you look constipated.  Have you been eating enough fiber?”

“It’s nothing…not that. And gross, don’t track my bowel movements.”

“We care a lot about you,” Mark smirked.

Tyler shrugged and started twirling a pen, thinking about Josh.  Did he like Tyler? Why didn’t he seem to recognize him?  Why did his eyes do the think were they crinkle like that?

“Helloo, Earth to Tyler,” Chris waved his hand in front of his face, “What’s up? Did something happen?”

Tyler didn’t know where to begin, so he just stood up and dropped his pants, as his roommates collectively started shrieking, but in a totally manly way.

“What the eff.  I didn’t sign up for this,” Mark covered his eyes.

“Calm down, I’m wearing boxers.  It’s just…this,” Tyler turned his thigh to show them his mark.  They stared at the word in fascination.  “I think I just met my soulmate and I have no idea what to do.”

“J-josh?” Chris stuttered, “Like Josh I work with?”

Tyler nodded, “It hurt and everything, and he first touched me here.  Have you ever seen his mark? It should be on his knee.”

“You know I believe marks are a personal thing,” Chris shook his head, “I never looked for it and I definitely haven’t seen him pantsless.  Though he does wear a lot of ripped jeans. But Tyler, that’s awesome! He’s a really great person.”

Tyler groaned while sitting down and put his head in his hands.

“He acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, though! What if he’s not even my soulmate and I’m part of the 0.001% of people that are marked but the other isn’t? That’d be my luck.”

“I don’t know about that,” Chris said, “He said okay to hanging out sometime.”

“Chris, everyone says ‘let’s hang out’ but they never actually end up hanging out.  That’s a fact of life,” Tyler whined, “I should be happy right now to have even found him, and I am, but there are so many people who I know that wouldn’t be okay with this.” Tyler waved his hand wildly.

“Tyler, you know we support you no matter what, okay?” Mark said, and Chris nodded earnestly.

“But guys, I work at a church.  Like as a job. They’re nice and usually super accepting, but I know my parents aren’t fully okay with this situation.  Probably the rest of my family isn’t either, and I always avoided asking people their opinions on this because I didn’t want to know who I love that won't be alright with this.”

“Tyler are you gay?” The question had never come up before, and Tyler nodded, not meeting their eyes.

“I’ve spent a lot of the time hoping that this would be the 14% of people that are platonic soulmates, but I’ve always kinda known that I’m gay.  And when I saw him tonight…it just felt right?”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be,” Chris said.

They sat in silence for a while, each thinking about their own soulmates—known or unknown, when Mark piped back up, “So how are we getting Josh to come over?”

Tyler shrugged, “I think I need some time.   I’m just going to go to bed.”  He fatefully did not see the conspiratorial looks that passed between Mark and Chris as he left the room.


	2. Scared of my own immaturity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actual quote from a 2012 interview with columbusalive.com  
> Joseph: Well, first, it was the, “We should hang out sometime.” How many times do you say that in a year and it actually kind of falls through? Maybe once a year out of 150 times that you say that to someone. We actually hung out.
> 
> Dun: Yeah, later that week. It was like a few days later, I think. And we stayed up ’til 7 in the morning just talking about our dreams and visions musically. And everything we talked about, we would try and just say, like, the craziest things, and they would both align.

Josh worked opening shift the next day, and it felt like the hours ticked by slowly as he unloaded the shipment from the truck.  He looked at the schedule the second he arrived and clocked in, seeing that Chris’ shift started around noon.  He tried to be subtle, taking his lunch break just as Chris was throwing his stuff into a locker, but the gleam in Chris’ eyes seemed to hint he knew why Josh was bombarding him with a million questions about Tyler.  (From the enthusiasm Josh was showing Chris decided it was definitely not necessary for him to ask Josh to take off his pants.  It was obvious that Josh was Tyler’s soulmate and he was very interested)

“Hey, how about you come over?” Chris suggested.

“Sure!” Josh tried to hide how eager he was to see Tyler again, thinking of subtle ways to ascertain if he’d be there, but Chris played his cards very close to the vest.  (He texted only Mark in warning, guaranteeing that Tyler would be there.  It was Mark’s idea to not tell Tyler…he wanted to have some fun with him).

They planned for a few days later and Josh spent that whole next day getting ready.  Chris was going to be late since he was closing the store, but he told Josh to come over around 8 or 9.  Josh debated showing up early to possibly catch some alone time with Tyler.  But he also didn’t want to be rude, so he just worried about his appearance to his roommates the whole day, until they kicked him out.  The next logical stop was his mother and sisters.

“Mom, do you think I look cool enough?”

“Of course, hun,” she said wearily, as he paced back in forth in the kitchen.

“Did I mention he worked at a church? What if he’s not okay with me being…you know, a guy?”

“He’s known since he was thirteen that you were going to be male.  Just remember he’s lucky to have you as a soulmate.”

“Should I bring him a gift? Would that be weird?”  Josh fluffed his hair in the mirror again, trying not to think too hard about the potential for rejection.

“If you’re going to just hang out, maybe bring food? Guys love food,” Abby suggested.

Josh loved his family, they gave the best advice.

* * *

 

At 8pm on the dot, Josh found himself on the front porch, holding two very hot pizzas.  He rang the doorbell and listened to the footsteps on the other side.  Someone Josh definitely did not know opened the door.

 “I don’t remember ordering pizza,” the man said, smirking widely.

“Uh, no.  Does Chris live here? I’m—” saying ‘ _Tyler’s soulmate_ ’ would be the definition of coming on too strong, “—Josh and I work with him at Guitar Center.  He invited me over for after work?”

“Ahh, yes of course!  I’m Mark” he said exuberantly, “Josh! Nice to meet you. Come in, come in.  Chris just texted saying he’ll be a little late.”

Mark guided him by the arm and gestured for Josh to sit down on the couch.  Mark grinned broadly like a snake before a mouse as they watched  each other awkwardly.  Josh was reminded of a similar feeling when meeting dads of potential girlfriends or boyfriends.

“Tell me about yourself,” Mark commanded, and Josh did the standard introduction ‘G _uitar Center. Drums. Blah blah blah.’_    Mark was actually pretty nice when the initial shock wore off.

“So who else lives here?” Josh tried to steer the conversation towards Tyler.

“There’s five of us in total.  I live in the basement.  Only Tyler and I are home right now.  Did you meet him at the show last weekend?”

Mark’s smile, if possible, widened as Josh perked up.

“Yes!”

“He’s…showering,” Mark said dramatically, indicating the distant sound of water running.  Josh swallowed and hoped Mark didn’t notice.

“So do you uh, play any instruments?”

“No I don’t, I—” Mark cocked his head at the sudden background silence, and then shouted, making Josh jump and nearly fall out of his seat. “TYLER! PIZZA’S HERE!”

“What?” a voice shouted back. Tyler was presumably done with his shower.

“PIZZA!”

The footsteps were thunderous, and Tyler came skidding into the room yelling “I didn’t know you ordered pizza” and then he stopped short starring dumbfounded at Josh who held up the boxes he was still holding.  Tyler became quickly aware that he was only wearing a towel.

He gave an undignified squawk and ran out of the room, shouting “Seriously Mark? You didn’t tell me we had guests!”  But when one lives in a house full of guys, you gotta make a move on the pizza regardless of how much or how little you’re wearing.

 “I’m not a musician.  I’m more of a visual guy,” Mark said as they both began to eat, “I went to art school and stuff.  I actually met Tyler through a show and he invited me to move in.  I do all sorts of stuff for the band.  I made the band logo—remember that when Twenty One Pilots is selling out Madison Square Garden.”

Tyler had come into the room while Mark was talking, fully clothed at an impressive speed.  He grabbed a slice of pizza and sat on the chair furthest away from where Josh was, not like Josh noticed or anything (he did).

“That’s what your plan?” Josh asked Tyler.

Tyler nodded, blushing and his mouth full of pizza.  He struggled to swallow the hot slice, and coughed.

“That’s sick!” Josh said encouragingly.

“I know it’s kind of a big, silly dream but it would be awesome to be on that level, sharing my music with everyone.”

“I feel you.  So many bands are concerned about ‘selling out’ but if you’re able to connect with that many people, and like, make a difference, it’s worth it.  I’d like to do that too but it’s just hard playing these small gigs and bouncing from band to band. Nothing I can completely get myself behind.”

Tyler nodded enthusiastically, and Mark sat back, letting them talk.  By the time Chris finally showed up, Tyler and Josh were very close to each other on the couch, Tyler showing Josh some songs on his laptops that he’d been working on.  Tyler had the sensation of skipping through a field of flowers while still remaining completely sedentary.  He’d never had this feeling of just _clicking_ this quickly with another person, but from what he heard others describe what bonding with your soulmate was like; this was exactly it. 

It was going so well, Tyler ignored the nagging voice in his head each time he thought about how cute Josh’s smile was, or the way he subconsciously drummed on his thighs when Tyler would play him a song.  That little voice that reminded him of the disapproval of _those_ types of thoughts.  Josh was so awesome, and Tyler felt like he didn’t have to try hard to make Josh like him.  Josh seemed to hang on to his words, laughing at his jokes.  It was natural, it flowed, and people came and went around them.  They were quick becoming _Tyler and Josh_ and everyone just orbited their chemistry.

* * *

 

Time was definitely slipping by, but neither were keeping track.  It was 7am and the sun was rising, when Josh gave a wide yawn and said that he’d better be going home.  He promised to return and Tyler was sure that they were locked in for good.  They hesitated in the doorway; was it too soon for a hug?  Tyler threw out all caution and went for it and Josh welcomed him in.

“Good night!  I had a lot of fun.” Josh patted his back.

“Me too,” Tyler said, drawing away, debating whether to mention the mark.  He shut the door as Josh started to walk away, cursing himself for being unsure.  It had worked so well, Josh was definitely his soulmate.  He definitely liked Tyler back, as far as Tyler’s insecurities would allow him to admit.  Tyler should just keep going for it!

Before he could change his mind, Tyler flung open the door and chased Josh down all the way to his car.

“What’s up?”

“I know this is super personal, but can you just tell me…just let me know.  What name is your soulmark?” Tyler panted.

Josh looked into his eyes for a long time, clearly thinking of what to say.

“Yours,” Josh said smiling.

“Okay, that’s what I hoped—I mean, mine says your name.”

“So what do we do now?” Josh asked.

“I dunno.  I think we should, like, take it slow.  Get to know each other before…anything else,” Tyler stared at his shoes, hoping he wasn’t being too forward.

“I agree,” Josh smiled again and Tyler’s heart raced briefly.  He made a note to control that response since it seemed Josh liked to smile a lot.

“We should jam together.”

“Definitely!  But just as friends, okay? I don’t want Chris accusing me of stealing his position just because I’m your, uh, soulmate.”

“Just for fun!  I’m free Friday night.”

“Friday night it is!” Josh yawned again, “Okay I really gotta go sleep now! ‘Night!”


	3. Scared of My Own Ceiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh joins the band, Tyler wrestles with his mind, and then something unexpected happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major violence warning, homophobic language, and some good ol' religious guilt for good measure.

“Josh, I’m sorry to put this on you, but we’re in such a jam right now,” Tyler was pacing in the kitchen, running fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Josh sounded concerned, hushing whoever was talking in the background.  Tyler had called him in desperation, trying to stay calm.

“Chris quit the band, and we’ve got a gig tomorrow at OU and no drummer.  I understand if you’re not able to, but could you? Would you?”

“Are you asking me to be your drummer?” Josh was jumping on the balls of his feet, glad Tyler couldn't see him.

“Um, yeah.”

“I’m in Milwaukee and I’ve got work tomorrow,” Josh suddenly remembered.

“Oh, alright.  I mean I understand that you can’t—”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just quit my job.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Totally!  I’ve got to play a show tonight but I’ll drive back to Columbus right after.  I’ll see you in the morning.”  Josh pumped his fist in the air in celebration as he ended the call.  They’d been hanging out a lot these past few months, naturally becoming fast friends and Josh had been harboring this secret desire to join Tyler's band.  He already knew all the parts to the songs; he wasn’t scared in the least to officially perform with them.  He just wanted to do the best he could do, proving to Tyler they’d be perfect together.

And so what if the show wasn’t actually a show—one song in and the cops broke everything up.  But even the fact that a drunk frat bro tried to pee on his drums couldn’t discolor the memory of the look on Tyler’s face when Josh showed up.  Pure relief turning to joy when Tyler noticed the ripped jeans and his name on Josh’s leg. 

The replacement became permanent, and then Nick left too for 'personal reasons'.  They were supposed to start touring around, and this bump in the road lead to hours agonizing about how they were going to enthrall the crowd with only two people.  Just when things were okay, Tyler felt the onset of impending failure.  He just hoped that Josh would still be here even if all fell apart

Josh knew he was falling for Tyler, but he didn’t want to push him too fast.  Tyler would sit close to him, was always touching and clinging, but when Josh would run fingers along his jaw, Tyler would shiver and move away.  Josh knew Tyler needed time and needed to work through some things, but it was hard to hold back when he’d wake up in the van and find Tyler octopused around him.  The draw of the bond was hard to fight, undeniable and ever-pulling them together.

Josh turned that energy into hitting the drums hard as possible, throwing himself into backflips. Tyler twitched and bounced himself around the stage, climbing up as high as he could go.  They attacked the shows as if they didn’t care what injuries were sustained and if they died in the attempt, as long as the crowd walked away feeling like they got their worth.  And sometimes there was no crowd.  Sometimes it just was the other band standing around watching, and those were dark, dark times.  Tyler wouldn’t say aloud how disheartened he was, but the look on Josh’s face, and the faces of the little crew they gathered echoed the fear in his heart.

Tyler pled with God sometimes, arguing back and forth if this desire for validation was for his own insecure, demanding self-esteem, or as his own public therapy, or a twisted savior complex.  But then people started coming to their shows.  It was a hometown crowd usually, though they’d venture out as far as they could drive in a weekend and find curious attendees.  It felt worth it—every hour worrying that it was all for naught, every drop of sweat and sometimes blood.  They had, well he wouldn’t call it an album, but it was a CD with _their_ music on it.  A tangible representation of what he and Josh were doing. 

Naturally it was after a show at the Newport when Tyler finally kissed Josh.  It was the place they had met and it had been an amazing return.  Tyler could feel the sparks of electricity flying through the air all night, and when he pushed Josh against a wall with no one around, it felt like the culmination of his life.  Everything before was done and now record labels were whispering interest in them, the precipice of opportunity.  All their hard work, and the dedication of their friends and family—but at that moment it was just the two of them when they finally pressed lips against each other, clutching as if they were drowning.

Footsteps and voices were fast approaching, and they quickly broke apart, searching for an alibi.  Tyler played with his ski mask, and Josh chugged a bottle of water, as hands were clapped on their backs, congratulations shouted boisterously. They didn’t talk about what happened for the rest of the night since they were surrounded by people, though eyes edged nervously from time to time looking for a quick smile or nod to indicate that ‘ _yeah we’re still cool_ ’.

Tyler dropped Josh off at his apartment, fingers tapping with pent up nervous energy on the steering wheel.

“Crazy night, huh?” Josh said, playing with a fraying thread on his jeans.

“Yeah.  But so sick.  I’m really happy right now.”

“Me too,” Josh was grinning, and Tyler leaned in again for another kiss, which Josh welcomed.  He didn’t want to ruin the moment to question Tyler’s motives, the reason for this abrupt change from constant denial of their obvious romantic tension.  He briefly debated inviting Tyler inside to his bed, but he was not bold enough.  Josh still had enough religious guilt to withhold from such things, though there was nothing he wanted more at this second than that.  Also,  he knew Tyler would freak out completely if they quickly bypassed this level of soft kisses and curious exploration.  So he was the one to break apart before it went any further.  Wishing each other goodnight, they parted ways thinking about where they’d go from here.

* * *

 

Tyler avoided talking with God as it all unfolded; as if not addressing the developing touches would be sufficient to pretend everything he’d ever been taught was okay with what he was doing.  Love was love, wasn’t it? If He had created the mark, chosen Josh for him, didn’t that mean that God was okay with them being together?  Or was it all a sick test he was spiraling towards failing?  He didn’t know what to do, so he just went through the necessary Sunday motions, and attended the events and meetings he was supposed to, but his words and his heart were saying two different things simultaneously.

He felt ripped apart, the cognitive dissonance setting him one way, but then he’d have a band practice with Josh and they’d end up lying on top of each other on the couch. Fingers hesitant as they slid up shirts, and tongues would lick into welcoming mouths.  Josh would softly whisper words of encouragement on the mattress in the van, warm against Tyler’s back, and it felt right.  He accepted his destiny, but then Sundays would roll around and Tyler would remember that it was not okay.  He suspected his family’s suspicions, but was he being too loud, too fervent saying that it was all platonic?

He felt like the personification of that “you can’t catch me, gay thoughts” clip from Family Guy.

Josh just loved Tyler, no strings attached.  He was awkward and funny, loving and a storm all in one.  Tyler would tell him everything, and Josh wished he could just make it all work out in Tyler’s head, but that would take away a huge part of who he was.  Josh was content to follow what Tyler wanted or needed, ready for whenever he stopped fighting what was clearly meant to be.

* * *

 

It all fell apart in an alleyway behind some venue.  The van was packed up, there’d been a decent turnout for an area they’d never been to before.  The only downside was a few hecklers in the back that had shouted something Tyler couldn’t distinguish, but he could see Mark’s reaction and assumed it was not good.  Tyler pushed it out of his mind, remembering that a few girls in the front had actually sung along to a few songs—they’d obviously heard some of their songs before and it was the best feeling in the world to have someone miles away from home singing his words back to him.

It was just Tyler and Josh in the alleyway—everyone else was using the bathroom or grabbing a drink before heading out to a motel.  Tyler was having one of those days where he felt like holding onto Josh and never letting go, so he had Josh up against the brick wall while running teeth down his neck.  Josh was a lip biter. Josh was silent.  It was Tyler’s personal goal to earn a soft whimper or gasp.

“Gross.”

“What the fuck?”

“Ew, look at those fuckin’ fags.”

A chorus of drunk voices broke out and Tyler leapt away like he’d been burnt.

“We should’ve guessed that the wimpy gay little singer would be getting dicked by his drummer.”  It was three guys and two girls laughing uproariously at them, moving closer down the alley.

“Let’s get out of here,” Josh gripped Tyler’s arm and started to pull him away, his heart racing and chest tightening.

“Y’all fucking sucked.  You should just go back to whatever shithole you crawled out of.”

“Ugly lookin’ cocksuckers.”

“How ‘bout you kill your gay ass instead of singing about it?”

Tyler halted like he’d been shot, and whipped around. “H-how about you go to hell?” he stuttered in rage, and the hecklers just laughed.

“You think you’re all tough?  Why don’t you fight me, you little pussy ass bitch?”  The guy had at least fifty pounds of muscle on Tyler and was only a few steps away.

“Tyler, let’s just go,” Josh tugged on his arm and Tyler turned away from the leering faces.  Josh was trying to stop a full blown panic attack, knowing that at least one of them had to hold it together.  He didn’t want to look weak in front of these people, and Tyler was on an unstable level of anger he’d never seen before.

“Yeah listen to your boyfriend, princess. You’re too fucking weak to fight me.”

Tyler ripped himself out of Josh’s hand and swung a punch at the guy’s face.  It was only because he had the element of surprise that he was able to land it squarely on his nose.  Tyler forgot he was really not good at fistfights, and they were clearly outnumbered.  It felt good in that moment to see the guy bent over, wiping the blood that was streaming down his face.  Tyler’s hand hurt, but it made the anger inside him growl with delight.

“Fucking asshole broke my damn nose!”

Another body collided with Tyler and flung him down onto the ground, where his head hit pavement.  A kick was connected with his stomach and he curled up, gasping as the wind was knocked out him.

“Tyler!” Josh yelled and threw himself at the man about to kick his soulmate again.  They were more evenly matched and everyone was bleeding by the time one grabbed Josh’s arms and held him back as the other two pummeled him.  Tyler lifted himself off the ground, head dizzy.  Why hadn’t anyone come to help? The two girls were just playing on their phones quietly talking to each other as Josh grunted in pain.  Tyler tried rushing at the struggling figures, but he was shoved back and fell down again.  There was laughter echoing and Tyler needed someone—anyone.  He ran into the backdoor of the venue, desperately looking for anyone that could help.

Their crew was standing around the bar, and they made noises of confusion at the state Tyler was in.

“These—guys. Fighting. Josh…Josh.” Tyler clutched at his aching head as everyone pushed past him to go outside.  It felt like they were capsizing as his shaking legs guided him back out to the alleyway.  Josh was crumpled on the ground, blood on his face as Mark and Ben crouched over him.  Their attackers were sprinting away with Michael and Jordan chasing after them.

“Josh, come on, wake up.”

He was completely still, only the contractions of his chest as he gasped for air.  Mark was already calling 911.

Tyler grabbed his hand, “I’m so sorry.  It’s all my fault.  I’m sorry, Josh.  Please be okay.”  But Josh continued to lie there unconscious, blood dripping out of the cuts on his face and head.  His eyes were bruised and swollen shut, and Tyler’s head throbbed as tears fell, his litany of apologies continuing until hands pulled him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was unexpected...


	4. Scared I'll die of uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaand this is where we break with canon and throw in some more religious guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw panic attack

He was suffocating, unable to follow any other voices that were asking him questions, touching him and trying to force him to lay flat.  Tyler resisted as it only exacerbated his anoxia; couldn’t they understand that he was not able to breathe?  He was so dizzy and it felt like a pillow pressed on his ears as he struggled through the motions of drawing in air, but feeling no oxygen passing down his constricted throat.

An oxygen mask was pressed to his face.  Tyler tried to bat it away, fearing the restraint, but soft sounds spoke calming words in his ear.  The pressure eased a bit, and he remembered what was happening.

“I’m having a panic attack,” he gasped.

“Okay, it will pass in a few minutes.  Just keep taking slow breaths with me, okay?”  The medic kept counting and Tyler found the power to loosen the constricted muscles.  “You’re doing great.  Can I examine you now?” 

 “Is Josh okay?”

“We’re going to bring him to the hospital to be checked out,” The EMT avoided his questions, “You’ve got a pretty big lump on your head, where else does it hurt?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Tyler’s body felt very numb.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“No, no, no I don’t want to,” Tyler felt the pressure upon his chest again.

“That’s okay, that’s okay.  I just need you to tell me if you remember blacking out or losing consciousness at all?”

“Where is Josh—I need to see him.”

“Josh is on his way to the hospital already.  We have another ambulance here for you, since you hit your head.  My partner and I are going to help you onto the stretcher and buckle you in, okay?”

Tyler allowed himself to be guided, finally taking a look around the alley to see his friends talking to cops, and hovering nervously behind the EMTs.  There were many flashing lights from the police cars and a crowd was beginning to gather at the far end.  Tyler shut his eyes tight as they loaded the stretcher into the waiting ambulance. 

“You need to keep your eyes open for us, Tyler.  No dozing off.”

He sighed and obeyed.  He wasn’t trying to sleep; Tyler just didn’t want to see anymore.  He didn’t want to answer any questions that forced him to think about what had happened and what was happening.  He wanted to bleach the whole night out of his brain.  He wanted to be in complete darkness, knocked out and unable to think or dream.  His mind was racing still, worry about his family, his reputation, Josh—thinking about him made his heart race and his head pound.  If something happened to Josh, Tyler didn’t know what to do with himself besides plead with God.

* * *

 

 “Twenty three year old male, status post assault with head injury.  Unknown LOC.  Stable vitals.  Had a panic attack on the scene though that subsided.  No other obvious signs of injuries, though he has been mostly nonverbal and not answering questions.”

Tyler passively let hands transfer him from the stretcher to the bed, allowing them to talk over him as he looked around the room. Curtains separated Tyler from the next patient over, where he could see many feet moving along the floor.

 “Where’s Josh?” Tyler asked, ignoring the doctors’ questions about his health, if he was hurting anywhere, if he could move his arms and legs.

“He’s there,” someone said, indicating the curtain Tyler had been looking at.  “You need to answer our questions and then we can let you see him.”  Tyler started to obey, and the frantic atmosphere around him dissipated as he passed their tests and assessments.  Obviously, he was not as injured as feared.  It was still noisy and busy, but the crowd around him thinned and Tyler was able to eavesdrop on what was happening with Josh.

“Joshua, can you open your eyes for me? 

“You’re in the hospital now.”

“Still no response.”

“Where’s the chest x-ray?...Looks like multiple rib fractures.”

“Joshua, squeeze my hand if you hear my voice.”

Tyler felt the suffocation descending again.  He was all alone—just a few people standing around him preparing to wheel him to a scan, uncaring that he was listening to his worst nightmare.  Tyler wasn’t even aware that he started screaming at the top of his lungs.  It just was imperative that he get to Josh as soon as possible.  Josh would wake up for him, Josh would do anything for him—they were soulmates.

Hand held Tyler to the bed while he kicked and scratched, trying to crawl off.

“Josh! Josh! Wake up Josh!  I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!” Several people grabbed his arm as a nurse quickly injected some medication that after a few minutes had Tyler lying in a daze on the bed.

“Hey man, you gotta chill out.”  Tyler wasn’t even sure which of his friends had said that, or if they were even there.  Whatever medicine he had been given was making time move in weird ways.  There was a dull ache in his ribs and his face that hadn’t been there before—invisible cuts that didn’t belong to him.

“Please—” he whispered to a nurse that was checking his blood pressure.  He had been woken out of a daze by the squeezing of the cuff on his arm.  “Please let me see Josh.  He’s my—He’s my soulmate.  I need to see him.”

She had kind eyes, and she drew back the curtain a little.  Tyler struggled to raise himself up on his arms, and took forever since his body was being uncooperative.  He could just see a little bit of Josh; his face was bloody and even more swollen and bruised.  The rise and fall of his chest was rapid, and one hand was lying under the rail and over the side of the gurney.

“Josh.  Hey Josh,” Tyler called, and there was no recognition, no response.  “C’mon Josh.  Wake up.”  Tyler had to look away, couldn’t bear to see him.  Tyler closed his eyes, talking to a God he’d been ignoring.

“ _I’m so sorry.  This is all my fault, and Josh is hurt now because of it.  Please let him be okay.  Please let him be okay.”_ Tyler’s eyes slipped shut, and then flew back open as they began to roll him to the CT scan.

“ _I know I haven’t been listening to you.  I’ve been doing what I’ve wanted…betraying your rules.  And I’ve ruined all the good I’ve been given by sinning.  By desiring to lay with another man.  I have doubted you, I have ignored you.  I have picked and chosen what I wanted to follow, but I see now that this has all been a test.”_

Tyler was guided to stand up and walk to the machine.  His legs were shaking and he needed to be supported.

“ _I don’t know why you chose me to be tested.  But don’t let Josh suffer because of me.”_

The machine whirred, sending x-rays inside his head, but not capturing the pleas and bargains swirling through.

“ _Please God, if Josh survives—if he’s okay.  I’ll…I’ll—”_

Emotions overwhelmed him and Tyler had to squeeze his eyes tightly shut, not wanting to say the cost.  The scan was over quickly, and he was returned to the emergency department.  His friends were waiting for him there.  They were surrounding Josh and looked exhausted.  Reddened eyes met Tyler’s and he was finally allowed to stand on his own.

The medication had worn off, he wasn’t fighting anymore.  He sat on an offered chair; his legs still weak, his head aching.  He took the dangling hand in his, looking at the broken skin upon Josh’s knuckles.  The doctors were going to admit Josh to the hospital for further monitoring—Tyler just wanted him to open his eyes.

“ _I’ll give him up_. _No more touches, no more kissing.  If you make him better, we’ll just be friends and bandmates like you intended.  Please just make him better._ ”

Tears finally slid from Tyler’s eyes and he pressed his lips to the back of Josh’s hand. 

“Hey—hey Josh,” Mark said, and Tyler looked up to find the drummer watching him.

“You’re awake!”

“Wh’r ‘m I?” Josh groaned.

“You’re in the hospital.  You got beaten up,” Michael said.

Tyler’s throat was tight and it hurt to swallow around the lump of emotion.  The bargain was set, God had answered Tyler’s prayers for once.

“You’re ‘kay?” Tyler nodded and Josh’s cracked and bloody lips turned into a smile.  “Good. ‘m g’na sleep now.”

Tyler squeezed his hand, finding bittersweet relief.  It was for Josh’s own good that they just stay friends.  If given the chance, Tyler would’ve broken him worse than he was now.  Josh deserved so much more than him—that was clear to Tyler now.  Tyler was a sinner and sinners had to repent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a casserole of angst


	5. Fear might be the death of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The consequences of the deals we make

There were many studies conducted, and a branch of applied psychology was dedicated to the study of soulmates and the marks that appeared upon them.  But this was just a part of life that even science could not explain.  No one knew who designated the marks, and that was where religion stepped in, claiming proof of a higher power.  How else would it be known where the destined would first touch, but the plan of a God?

And each bond was different.  The platonic, the romantic, the purely sexual, the perfect match, the opposites but complimentary—everyone got something different out of it.  Usually there was some level of empathetic connection, heightened by time together and bonding.  People claimed telepathy and dream-sharing, but Tyler had thought those were just exaggerations.  He’d only ever have slight ‘impressions’ of Josh’s emotions and only when they both were overtired, overemotional or kissing.

Tyler was discharged late that night, not even diagnosed with a concussion.  Instead they labelled his symptoms and the intense panic attacks to be because of the bond, a ‘soulmate-associated traumatic episode’.  Ever since then, he felt more exposed to Josh's raw feelings.  And now he felt somewhat of the injuries Josh sustained—a dull throb of a headache, phantom aches across his ribs and face, the invisible scratches and abrasions to his arms.

They kept Josh for two days; two broken ribs, a minor bleed on the brain, and his face completely beaten to hell.  He was up and walking around by the end of visiting hours on the first day, albeit slowly due to the pain in his ribs.  Whatever pain medication they had for him was way too strong, and Josh vomited a couple times, which made everything hurt even more.  Tyler was there for it all, as was the rest of the crew, but he was always the most reluctant to leave. 

The guilt was devouring him, and though Josh kept reassuring him, Tyler looked even more sickened when Josh would try to say it wasn’t his fault.

A couple detectives took statements from the both of them, but there were no leads on their attackers.  Josh gave Tyler a confused look when he described what they had been doing as ‘just hugging’.  It was a lie of omission, but Tyler was more worried about his parents finding out the details.  The assault was technically a hate crime, though he’d sooner die than let his parents know he’d been kissing Josh.

Josh’s name upon his thigh burnt like a brand, a mark of his degradation and fall from grace.  He made his promise to God already, but it was hard to switch off the part of his brain that found Josh irresistible.  That wanted to hold him and say that everything was going to be okay.  It was even worse now he was more attuned to Josh’s emotions to feel the pang of hurt when Tyler would avoid his touches and draw away.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Tyler said when Josh tried to pull him into bed to sit next to him.

“I’m not fragile.  You won’t break me.  C’mon.”

“No!” Tyler pulled his hand away from him, “Sorry, it’s just that I don’t think more than one person is allowed in the bed.”

He felt how much that wounded Josh, and couldn’t meet his eyes.  “I’m going to grab some Coke from the vending machine.  You want me to get you something?”

He didn't wait for a response and Tyler ran to a bathroom to stare into the mirror for a long time.  This was supposed to be for Josh’s good.  He wouldn’t be able to hurt him anymore, so why was Josh so sad now?  He wanted to break his reflection, to bleed the shame and disgust he felt.  But he didn’t.  He just let cool water run over his wrists, dripping down his fingertips.

* * *

They all knew it would be a hellish ride back to Ohio in the van, with Josh’s multiple injuries disturbed by the jostling of potholes and bumps.  He tried sitting, and then lying across a bench.  And then he settled into the mattress in the back, but even with a nest of pillows protecting him, Josh spent most of the ride gritting his teeth against the sharp pain as the broken bones cried their protest to the unrestrained movement.  He took half the dosage of pain medication prescribed and found a little relief—he was able to doze for long stretches during the day.

Everyone was quiet, and it made the drive interminable.  Tyler stared out the window for hours, his face drawn and sad.  No one dared approach him, because they knew he’d only bite back when he got into these moods.  Josh just blasted music, praying for sleep.  He knew his family would freak out over his injuries, and he wasn’t looking forward to being coddled and treated delicately.  But anything would be better than the stiff, unnatural way Tyler was sitting.  Josh too could feel the waves of revulsion coming from his soulmate, and he misinterpreted them as directed at him. 

An unexpected, particularly bad jolt broke Josh’s resolve and he made a loud noise of pain that turned everyone’s head toward him.

“I’m so sorry!” Synder apologized from the driver’s seat.

Even Tyler was looking at Josh now as he blushed and avoided their eyes.  He felt Tyler’s angry thoughts and, not able to interpret them, he instead internalized it as a mark against him.  He refused to cry.  He’d been beaten half to death and he didn’t cry then.  It just hurt more than the words shouted at him as he was punched, even more than his broken ribs and brain injury; that the person he expected to be there for him was giving him the cold shoulder.

They stopped for a bathroom break just a few hours outside of Columbus; it was that point of being late at night or just really early in the morning.  Josh didn’t move from his spot, and neither did Tyler, as everyone else stumbled out to grab coffee and snacks.  Josh felt trapped, drowning—it was all downhill from here.  What would happen once they got home? Would the band break up?  If Tyler hated him now, it would all end; the music, their partnership.  It was all he’d ever wanted and everything was crumbling around him and Josh had no idea what he did.

“Tyler,” he croaked out.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come back here? Please,” Josh pleaded.

Tyler twisted in his seat to look at Josh, but didn’t move.  “What’s wrong?”

“Can’t breathe,” Josh choked out. His voice was tight, and Tyler scrambled over the seats to kneel beside him.  Tyler knew the moment he touched Josh’s arm that it was just a panic attack, though that wasn’t to say he was brushing off Josh’s shaking, nervous gasps to be something less than they were. 

Would God be angry if Tyler did what felt right?  It was for Josh’s benefit after all for Tyler to gently take one of Josh’s hands to place on his chest, letting him feel the slow inhale and exhale as Tyler guided him to count.  This was a quick one—they’d both helped each other through longer attacks before.  Josh’s eyes were already closed and Tyler could tell through the bond that he was sleeping by the time everyone got back from the rest station.  He tried to move away, but Josh reached out for him, and Tyler felt the battle start again beneath his sternum.

God shouldn't punish him for holding Josh—he was just protecting the broken ribs from bouncing over potholes.  He was serving a purpose, grounding Josh and protecting him—but Tyler knew that God could see through the lies and see how much he enjoyed this.  Today he was allowed to sin a little.  There was always time later to ask for forgiveness. 

* * *

 

They all arrived home by the time the sun was fully up, first dropping off Josh at his apartment and helping him straight into bed.  Everyone ran around setting things up for him in easy reach, ignoring his protests that he was fine, he would be able to do it himself.  They all cited exhaustion, promising to empty the van the next day, and everyone returned to their own homes.  Mark and Tyler stumbled through the front door, not bothering to let their families know they were back.  They just wanted to sleep away the past few days.

But when Tyler's head hit the pillow, he found he couldn't drift off to the blackness, though he'd only grabbed a few hours sleep while lying next to Josh.  He felt too full, too numb.  And he lay awake considering the direction of his life until he found himself waking up eighteen hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a short chapter but I just needed to get it out there.


	6. Fear Leads To Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To go with what feels right or to choose what's told to be right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes.  
> we're back  
> I hope you brought a fork and knife because this an angst steak

Just as Josh predicted, his family was completely overbearing and panicked by his injuries, when they all turned up at his apartment the next day.  His mother had cried when she saw his face.  They’d practically bullied him into returning home, and it proved to be a welcome distraction not just from the pain of his injuries, but the apparent radio silence from Tyler. Josh expected daily texts from Tyler but nothing came except for a few ‘how are you?’ messages from their crew. They were even planning on playing a fairly big show in less than two weeks, and Josh had no idea if he was still in the band. It felt like a weird stalemate he wasn’t sure whether or not to break, but after four days of his parents’ fretting over him, and increasing boredom, Josh caved.

Jordan had been trying to entertain him all day, but left in the afternoon to hang out with friends. Josh normally denied his secret appreciation for Sex and the City, but now another marathon with his sisters would’ve been too much. So he was lying on the grass in the backyard when he finally texted Tyler a simple “ _hey what’s up?_ ”.

No response for five minutes, and although he knew it sounded desperate, Josh sent one more text before resolving to play it cool. He didn’t know what crawled up Tyler’s ass and died but he wasn’t going to grovel at Tyler’s feet for nothing he did wrong.

“ _So bored. Let’s hang out_.”

“ _Sorry. Stuck at a family thing_.”

“ _After?_ ”

“ _I’ll let you know. Sorry.”_

Josh tossed his phone several feet away, and wished everything hadn’t all gone to hell so quickly. He had gone so slowly for Tyler, knowing his soulmate struggled with accepting their fate, against what he’d been taught.  Josh let him guide the relationship, never initiating anything unless Tyler touched him first.  Besides, they never went further than making out and fully-clothed grinding.  Josh was happy to take it slow, since he knew that Tyler and he were going to spend the rest of their lives together, so what’s the sense in rushing?  But this—this cold shoulder was awful.

Josh rolled to his stomach, burying his sore face in the cool grass and wishing it all was as uncomplicated as he thought it should be.

…

Tyler really was at a family barbecue playing Cornhole in the blistering heat, his phone burning a hole in his pocket.  He wanted to call Josh, to check on him and reassure that it’ll be okay.  That Tyler didn’t give up on him—but no, what if Josh was going to leave him?  What if Josh was now scared off?  How could Tyler possibly go on without him; he needed Josh.  Tyler felt dizzy from the onslaught of worry, rational side of his mind screaming that Josh had texted him first.  Josh wanted to see him!

Tyler debated with himself while others talked around him; enough time had passed that it was probably going to be tense, but it was better to see Josh before this got even more awkward.

He had fessed up to his parents about Josh being his soulmate right after they met him, and his mother had turned to him with knowing eyes.  He swore up and down that Josh and he had discussed and it was purely platonic, but his parents did not look convinced.  Tyler couldn’t help looking starry eyed; he knew he loved Josh and it was obvious.

And nothing hurt more than realizing he loved him.

A well-meaning family friend pulled him aside, asking him how the band was going, leading into a pat on the shoulder and a smile that meant nothing good. 

“There’s a lovely girl at my church you should meet.  Very kind, and great with the kids—we have her babysit all the time.  She has,” the woman dropped her voice to a stage whisper, “a same sex soulmate, too.  But just like you, she’s vowed not pursue that relationship.  I think you would both get along great.”

Tyler wanted to puke and run away, but a quick glance towards his parents eyeing this interaction closely meant that this was all set up.  Tyler forced a grin on his face, hoping his true feelings weren’t obvious.

“Sure! Um, when, or uh how?” His mother was quickly approaching, and before he knew it, Tyler had a date set up in two days.  Life was pretty darn ridiculous.

…

“This is so stupid, I’m inviting Josh over to hang out and you’re both going to talk or so help me—” Mark said exasperated when Tyler told him about what had happened at the barbecue.

“Mark, I just—my family.  The band,” Tyler stammered, suddenly realizing how silly bargaining with God would sound as a reason, “I can’t make him sad.  I can’t tell him we can’t be together.  I can’t…hurt him anymore.”

Mark gave him a look that told him—yeah he’s being an idiot.

“You’re really lucky to have Josh as your soulmate, and I don’t even have to list the reasons why.  Screw everyone else, just _be with him_ ,” Mark said forcefully.

“I can’t.  He deserves—,”

“Seriously, I’m going to punch you if you say he deserves better than you,” Mark cut him off, “That’s, like, the most clichéd line.  Maybe you should think about the fact that you too deserve to be happy?  Like, before you do something stupid and make a huge mess.  At least hang out with him.  He keeps sending me sad selfies.  Poor boy is pining.”

They planned a movie night—the three of them and Michael, sneaking a bunch of boxes of candy under their shirts into the theater.  Tyler tried hard to act normal and Josh didn’t seem pissed off at him at all for the days of radio silence.  He smiled wide, despite the bruises that were beginning to turn green, laughing until he had to clutch at his aching side.  They were okay again.  Except for when Michael accidentally brought up the date in front of Josh.

Tyler had pretty much forgotten about it, too busy tossing Raisinets into Josh’s mouth to worry about this girl he was supposed to woo the very next day. 

“Where are you going on that date tomorrow?” Michael asked as they waited for the movie to start. Josh started in surprise, the Raisinet missing its destination and hitting him in the nose.  Mark started making desperate throat-slashing gestures to stop Michael from continuing, but it was too late.

“What date?”  Josh’s brow furrowed and Tyler felt like sinking into the ground.

“Oh, um just some girl that my parents fixed me up with.  You know…how they are.  Couldn’t—say no,” Tyler mumbled and an uncomfortable silence fell over the group.  Michael tried to distract them with jokes, but the laughs were strained and Tyler couldn’t look Josh in the face.  Thankfully the movie started not too long after and they were able to hide behind it.

About halfway through, Tyler snuck a glance at Josh whose jaw was clenched around his bottom lip as he look distracted and worried.  Tyler wanted to pull him away—to apologize, hug him, cry—but regretfully he turned back to the screen.

Josh felt…Josh felt many things.  Disrespected, hurt, alone, broken, angry, worthless.  He lived with so much insecurity already, and he tried to be a good person, but he had to face the fact that he wasn’t the right person for Tyler just because he was a guy.  He was too invested in his family, having his parents’ approval, for this relationship to work, and Josh should stop kidding himself.  Tyler’s mom could go on and on that Josh was ‘such a nice kid’ but he couldn’t hope for anything more.

Josh felt an ache from his chest to his throat and a twinge above his knee.  The movie blurred from unfallen tears and he yelled at himself to ‘man up’ and not freaking cry in front of his friends.  A date is just a date, he reminded himself—Tyler wasn’t going to marry this girl tomorrow.  Tyler had made so much progress before, and Josh shivered remembering what it was like to have callused fingers running under his shirt.

This was just a step backwards, they had the rest of their lives to move back forwards.

Just why the hell hadn’t Tyler warned him?  It’s common courtesy to let your soulmate know you were looking elsewhere.  It didn’t happen too often though, since finding the love of your life completes the emptiness.

Josh thought he would be enough for Tyler, but apparently not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 months later....we're back. I wanted to finish a few other WIPs before I returned to this fic. I promise the next chapter shouldn't take a quarter of a year to finish. I'm teeentyonepilots on tumblr--come chat with me about this fic cuz I still need to do a lot of brainstorming.


	7. Don't Know What's Inside Of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler finally makes a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where does the angst train make its final stop? Happy Town or Sadville?

Tyler didn’t sleep that night knowing he was the source of all the distress his soulmate was experiencing. Doubt, guilt, conflict; not a good combination, especially for Tyler when he was feeling vulnerable.  He started having those thoughts again, the ones that creep in like spiders to furrow wormlike in the darkest coils of his mind.  He wanted to scream, to let someone know he was sinking, but the energy to find a roommate, or call someone, would just be too much.  And if he was honest with himself, the only person he wanted to call now would be Josh, but he was already asking too much of him.  Josh truly was too good for him; Tyler took and took.

He itched and ached all over.

Thankfully he was too tired to move, too tired to leave his bed and do something that was stupid and desperate that everyone would hate him for afterward.

So he waited.

Tyler lay there until the light grew and eventually the sounds of other people echoed through the house.  He didn’t have the energy to fake like he got enough sleep, just poured a bowl of cereal and stared into the depths until Mark commented that it was all probably mush at this point.

He tried to laugh it off, but everyone still looked suspicious.  So Tyler retreated to his room, tapping away listlessly at his keyboard until his mother called and hounded him to get ready for the date.  None of his roommates commented on him leaving the house all dressed up (i.e. wearing something else besides basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt that may have been someone else’s) though Tyler noticed the significant glances they gave to each other.

They met at a hipster-y bistro she suggested, and Tyler remembered that this was the last date he’d been on in several years.  Definitely not since he met Josh—he’d been too busy, right? 

Even though he had barely eaten in that day, Tyler felt the opposite of hunger, anxiety clawing at his belly.  All he could hear was his mother’s directions at how he needed to impress this girl, since people were _talking_ now more than ever. 

He stumbled over his words, but Amber smiled at him like he was an endearing awkward puppy as she nibbled on a nutella panini.  She was friendly and funny and in any other universe maybe—if he wasn’t hopelessly gay and in love with his best friend and soulmate.  A realization that was hitting him harder than waves against rocks.

But does he make his parents happy or does he follow his selfish heart?

What would they say if he said ‘screw your ideals and let me live.  This is what I believe God intended for me’? Forced them to accept him for who he was and who he loved.  Could he live with himself?

“Hey—hey Tyler you with me?” Amber waved her hand in front of his face and grinning.

“Sorry, just…thinking,” He stammered.

“That’s okay.  It happens a lot on these kinds of dates.  Trust me, I’ve been on a lot of them,” she laughed and downed her ice tea.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I’ve been set up on so many dates with guys in your situation, you’d be shocked by the number,” Amber settled back in her chair and looked at Tyler with a keen eye.

“More or less than ten?”

“More than twenty,” Amber looked especially pleased with herself.

“Why?” Tyler asked, dumbfounded.

“Look, I’m going to be honest with you because I know how this goes down.  I’m with my soulmate; she’s a girl and she’s the best person I’ve ever met.  She’s kind, and beautiful, and we’re going to be together forever.  Once we are a bit older with more money in the bank, we’ll tell our parents and then just live our lives together as we want.”

Tyler felt a flare of jealousy at how her face glowed when talking about her soulmate.  Envious of what she happily had.

“But for now, I agree to go on these dates my parents and family friends set me up on, but I’m subverting their plans.  Because I used to be just like you—scared to go against my ultra conservative family.  And then I chose happiness.  So I come tell guys like you to do that too.  Life’s too short—we could all die next week from, like, a meteor or something— so just be with your soulmate,” She stood and pat him on the shoulder, “Go to him.  Make both of you happy.”

“Thank you,” Tyler said, choked up suddenly and she squeezed his shoulder.  Turning his head quickly, he caught a brief glimpse of the name marked on her wrist.  Whoever she was, Tyler wished this ‘Jenna’ would continue to make Amber happy.

Now he’s just got to go make things right with his soulmate.

…

Josh was examining his face in the mirror.  The swelling was down, and the bruises were turning green.  He had gotten behind his drums for the first time since he had been jumped, and he was feeling aches and pains in his ribs, but also a sense of grim accomplishment.  He was trying to think of the least salty way to ask Tyler about the date, but maybe it was better to not even say anything.

It’s just that masochistic side of everyone—he wanted to know.

…

What was he going to do when he got there?

Dramatically fling open the door, proclaiming “I’m an idiot, now kiss me!” or just fall to his knees, begging for Josh’s forgiveness.  If anything Josh should hate him for being so wishy-washy, playing with his heart at every turn.  He was dependable, he persevered even when Tyler ignored his feelings, but it was because he believed in _them_.  

Tyler gave a little sob and sort of _forgot_ he was driving as he put hands to his face.  He immediately regretted it as his whole body jolted, shoulder yanked by the seatbelt, knee jamming into the steering column.  There was a delay between impact and the crunch of aluminum that was sickening and thrilling.  Tyler was certain he was dead, or at least grievously injured, so the moments of silence after he crashed were spent catching his lost breath.

All his limbs were intact.  He wasn’t bleeding from anywhere obvious, and there was only a slight pain in his knee.  His car on the other hand was not okay and Tyler tumbled out to assess the damage.  He had rear-ended a pickup and the driver looked absolutely pissed off as he exited his own vehicle.  Tyler was certain the man would be able to crush him easily, and was grateful only a few scratches were on that bumper. His own front bumper was wrecked, and Tyler could hear the figurative cash register dings as this was certainly going to cost him a lot of money.

He was already hyperventilating—this is why he shouldn’t be trusted with anything.  Everything fell apart because of him.  The other man’s face quickly slipped from annoyance to concern at Tyler’s pure panic.

“You okay, man?” He asked, and Tyler shook his head no. “Um, at least we’re both okay.  We just need to call the cops for insurance reasons—I promise you’re not in trouble.  Unless, you’re drunk?

Tyler felt so stupid, tears brimming and threatening to spill over.  God, he was so stupid.  Waste of space. The other man was on the phone to the police and cars were pulling past them on the semi-busy road, sneaking glances at the two stopped cars.  He was on display, his shame.  Tyler stared hard at his car, wondering when will it all turn around? When will he stop this spiral of everything-is-completely-and-utterly-screwed?

Tyler had to sit on the curb to try and steady his racing breaths.

“Son, is there anyone you can call?” The police officer asked, as both he and the other driver tried to calm him.

“Y-yes.  I’m sorry—I’m just going through a lot,” Tyler tried to apologize, fishing his phone out and dialing the person he was trying to reach all along.

“Hey, Ty—”

“Josh, I-I need you.  I’m sorry,” He whispered.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I-I was trying to see you, but then I, man, I dunno.  My car.  Got in an accident, and I just really need you right now,” Tyler rambled, “I’m like a mile away from your place by the, uh, Denny’s.”

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Josh sounded like he was sprinting.  Tyler hoped he wasn’t actually running with broken ribs.

“No, no I’m fine.  The cops are here, I think a tow truck is coming.  I’m just kinda…shaken up.  Look, I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.  I’m glad you’re alright.  That’s the—the most important thing—ah crap,” Josh swore a little under his breath, “Ugh, just jammed my finger in the door.  I’m driving over now, but there in like a minute.”

It felt like getting saved when Josh arrived, swooping in with a bruising hand and bruised face, but a calming grin.  Tyler just couldn’t handle it all at this moment and that’s when Josh took over.  It felt like in no time at all his car was hitched to the tow truck and they were driving carefully away from the scene of the accident. 

“Dude, what’s going on?” Josh asked, voice steady as they followed the truck towards the nearest mechanic.

“Nothing is working right in my head.  I just keep fucking it all up—”

“Whoa,” Josh said, head whipping to look at Tyler.

“—well it’s true.  I messed up my car, my life, you, maybe even the band.  What I want is in conflict with what I was told to believe.  Things will be messed up with people I love, but I can’t…I can’t live with lying to myself anymore.”

“Can you, uh, tell me what you’re fighting? Can I help?”

“It’s you!  It’s always been you!”  Tyler smacked his hand against his armrest.

“Oh.  Sorry,” Josh sucked on his bottom lip, keeping his eyes on the road and gripping the steering wheel with whitened knuckles.

“It’s not your fault.  I just—I just love you too much.  I think.  I think I love you,” Tyler couldn’t look at him anymore, he could only cast his eyes downward.

“Is it okay if I say it back?”  Josh’s voice was actually shaking.

“No.  Because if you were smart you’d run away from me.”

“You know I’d never do that,” the car was stopping now, and Tyler could feel Josh’s eyes boring into him.

“Please,” Tyler pleaded

“Never,” Josh said firmly. There was silence as he turned off the engine and Tyler struggled to find reasons to convince him.

“But how about all the pain I’ve caused you?  I’ve played with your emotions like—like a—I cared only about myself and how others would think of me.  You should’ve been my priority, because I loved you since the beginning. And it’s like just now, thinking about life without you–I can’t do it on my own.”

“I’ve waited for you. I would’ve waited forever,” Josh’s confession hung in the air. The truth they all knew.

“That’s why I wish you had someone else’s name as your mark,” Tyler finally looked up and saw a tear making its way down Josh’s cheek.

“You regret having mine?”

“Never,” Tyler echoed, “You deserve someone who didn’t have their head up the butt, or whatever.”

“I think it’s starting to find its way out,” Josh took Tyler’s hand, and they grinned at each other.

“Dude…gross.”

“Let’s get your car fixed and then get something to eat, okay?” Josh squeezed the hand he was still holding.

“I just finished that date, and uh, internal conflict really kills my appetite,” Tyler gave a half-smile.

“You can watch me eat then, and we’ll talk some more,” Josh shrugged.  Tyler felt the rush of anxiety that most people get when they hear something along the lines of ‘we need to talk’.  At least Josh loved him back, at least Josh loved him back; that’s what he kept repeating to himself as they walked into the mechanics’ to discuss repairs.

As long as they loved each other, Tyler was sure he’d be able to conquer anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of this adventure. Thanks for sticking around.  
> ((I'm also shamelessly throwing in someone who loves jenna a hell of a lot))


	8. Don't Forget About Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the happy conclusion to this tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the author drags her exhausted body across the sand, reaching....reaching. Finally collapsing as the destination is reached, a shining new, final chapter.  
> "it is done" she whispers.

Now Tyler had finally gotten over this roadblock of denying and denial, they went back to the slow progression of their relationship.  Hanging out like they always did, but with held hands and withheld kisses, as if they wanted to extend the courtship, or afraid of hurting each other again.  They were so happy, they almost felt a little gross, but things were back to how it was supposed to be.

The band had a run of local shows, to crowds that were even more enthusiastic in returning the lyrics with passion and commitment.  For the first time, Tyler felt like they had a real, dedicated following, and the natural progression of that was the buzzing of record labels interested in what they were doing.

Josh and Tyler wanted to be authentic, they didn’t want to be molded into the next Mumford and Sons as one label tried to push, or ‘whiney edgy rappers’ as another wanted.  They were making the music they wanted, even if it was hard to put a label on it, and it was a matter of finding the right vehicle to drive that.

Tyler was stressed from the sheer amount of phone calls, eventually just letting his voicemail take the unknown numbers to screen what their pitches were.  They were being wooed from every direction, which reminded him.

All he really wanted to do at the moment was woo Josh—it was such a weird point in their relationship because they were trying to build _something_ on top of juggling a burgeoning career.  Tyler was struck by inspiration—a date! A simple, sweet date; just the two of them, different than their usual ‘hanging out, eating chips and snuggling’.  No, he was going to plan _something_ to say ‘we are on a date and hopefully we’ll kiss at some point’.

 _“You doing anything today?”_ He texted Josh, finally plucking up the courage.

_“Nah, man. What did you have in mind?”_

_“I’m taking you out on a date, be ready in thirty minutes_.”

He smirked, knowing Josh was probably running around frantically.  But then he too had get ready.  Tyler planned a little ahead—buying ingredients the night before and some other special touches.  He sang a little while making sandwiches, and Mark watched curiously.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“Courting Josh,” Tyler tossed the bagged sandwiches into a backpack along with a roll of paper towels.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure Josh doesn’t need to be courted.  He’s head-over-heels for you.  You both are already practically married, I mean, you are in a band together after all.”

“I’m doing it right this time,” Tyler said with a mad gleam in his eye, “Gonna treat my boy right.  Josh deserves the best.”

“Is this where I threaten to beat you up if you hurt him again?” Mark asked, smirking.

“Please don’t.  I am a soft boy,” Tyler pleaded, “Also, um, can I have a ride? ‘Cause my car is in the shop.”

* * *

Even though Josh wasn’t given much time to prepare, he too had a surprise for Tyler.  He opened his door to find Tyler practically bouncing with nerves.  Grinning, he thrust a bouquet of daisies into Tyler’s hands, who spluttered with excitement.

“Oh! Wow!” Tyler’s face glowed with happiness and Josh couldn’t resist leaning in for a quick kiss, their first in many weeks.

“So, what’s the plan?” Josh slipped on his hoodie, and Tyler sniffed the flowers.

“I was thinking a picnic would be nice.  I found a park I’ve never been to before, but, like, you’re gonna have to drive us.

Josh tossed back his head and laughed while grabbing his keys. "Do I have to bring you home by 9 or else Michael will beat me up?"

"He said 10pm if you promise to keep all hands above the waist."

"Dunno if I can swear to that," Josh smacked Tyler's butt, "C'mon, clock's a-ticking."

The park was a further drive than Tyler had expected but it didn't matter--they were used to long hours together and this was just all so easy. Tyler wondered if it flowed this well because they were soulmates or because they already were best friends? His mind flicked back to when they first hung out, and it always had been like this. Smooth. It had to come down to this whole made-for-each-other thing.

"I can hear you thinking," Josh squeezed Tyler's knee--they almost missed the turn into the parking lot, he had been so distracted.

"Yeah, sorry," Tyler shook himself out of the reverie.

"Good or bad thoughts?" Josh asked tentatively, worrying Tyler was second guessing this whole date.

"Nice ones," Tyler smiled and grabbed his bag from the back seat, "Let's find a good place to have our picnic."

"You know, I was half expecting you to bring tacos or something," Josh splayed out on the blanket while Tyler tossed sandwiches onto his stomach.

"Hey, I cooked these! For us! I put in effort!" Tyler said with mock indignation.

"I'd barely call this cooking, but I appreciate the thought," Josh grinned up at him

Josh was glad to be with no one else besides Tyler at this very moment.  Just Tyler who over exaggerated a pout and a forlorn bite of his sandwich.  Josh made a point to sit up and take a massive mouthful while making delighted noises that caused Tyler to flush and laugh.  Josh felt that finally everything was in smooth water, the right path. Unspoken words passed between the two and it was the briefest of moments before they were surging together, kissing as if their lives depended on it. As if they had lifesaving oxygen to give, and in a way they did.

Thankfully their picnic spot was in a secluded area, trees obstructing the view of any passing people, who would've been shocked by the rolling around happening on the blanket Tyler had spread out. It was strangely acrobatic making out; not the hesitancy or exploration of before. Pure adventure and laughter between the two. They kept up the quasi-wrestling until, exhausted and panting, they lay side-by-side with fingers entwined and watched the clouds change colors as the light faded.  Josh’s other hand searched for the nearly-forgotten sandwiches until he found the pair— giving it to Tyler, who took a content bite.

Utter, utter contentment settled upon the two, the light fading and turning blue all around them.

"Where do we go from here?" Tyler broke the silence, "I've been meaning to ask you--not just with us but with the band. It's just so weird all these people wanna sign us. And I mean, this is what we've wanted, but what happens next?"

Josh sighed, "It's awesome, isn't it?"

Tyler hadn't thought of that having been too busy worrying, "Oh yeah I guess so."

"We'll just sign to whoever lets us be ourselves," Josh said as if that settled the matter, "And if they tell you to drop me and go solo, I hope you do the right thing."

"Take the money and kick you out of the band?" Tyler shifted to rest his head on Josh's chest.

"Can I stay on as your groupie?" Josh asked with fake concern as he started to stroke Tyler's hair.

"As a matter of fact I'm looking for a groupie who's good at kissing and drumming," Tyler grinned up at him and they did just that.

* * *

Tyler sat his parents down the very next day, actually the day after that since he and Josh couldn't physically separate the whole following day, and broke the news to them that yeah, he'd considered their way but he firmly believed his way to happiness was to pursue a relationship with Josh. Also that they'd be flying out in a few hours to New York City to sign with Fueled by Ramen. His mom cried though he wasn't fully sure if it was disappointment or excitement--that was kind of the plan, hit her with good and (in their minds) somewhat bad news at once.

Tyler didn't even feel like arguing with them, just nodding and praying silently he could slip away as soon as humanly possible. Because who were they to guess what God's plan was? It came to your character and actions and being with Josh made him a better person.

Josh who was waiting for him in the car with their suitcases, Mark too. They were all giddy as they raced to the airport, singing to the radio. Cloud nine, possibly even higher, feeling as if they boarded the plane and never touched down.

Unreal--the hotel they were put up in was swanky. They'd been given two rooms but a quick, gleeful glance told Mark he'd be having one room to himself.

The meeting was tomorrow and they had all evening to get the energy out. Mark watched them throughout dinner as the two soulmates appeared to barely be able to keep from pouncing on one another.

"Oh boy, I'm tired--gonna head to bed, since we'll be waking up early," Mark said dramatically in the lobby at barely 8 o'clock.

"Oh yeah," Josh and Tyler said in unison.

"Guess we'll go to sleep, too," Josh gripped Tyler's hand and dragged him towards the elevators, leaving Mark way behind even though he was on their floor--and that was okay with him.

They didn't even kiss, just stood in the empty elevator and hugged each other. Squeezing as if they were the only thing grounding the other. Josh's ribs had healed completely--only the faintest residual ache. Tyler needed to be as close as possible with him, even in this hyperaware state and tasting flashes of Josh's mood, Josh's desire, it wasn't enough.

They'd explore each other but only over clothing and never like this--with boundless time and no chance of being interrupted. Josh sat down on one of the beds and Tyler straddled his lap. Still fully clothed, they kissed in the rhythm they were becoming accustomed to.  Tongue rubbing velvet over tongue and lips moving perfectly. It didn’t have to be firey or new—comfortable was the norm.  Josh's hands stayed like anchors upon Tyler's waist and the singer ran his fingers through the other’s hair.

“You’re like…you’re my favorite hoodie,” Tyler sighed as they separated and shifted even closer.

Josh laughed, and tugged up Tyler’s shirt, who let him pull it off and toss somewhere in the distance.  Tyler started circling his hips as he did the same to Josh’s shirt. Josh kissed Tyler’s collar bone, almost embarrassed how hard he was already.  He let Tyler push him gentle down to the bed until their chests were aligned and ragged breaths made skin collide and slide against each other.

Tyler stood up to shimmy his jeans down, while Josh wrestled with his own on the bed, as if each stage of this first time was silently communicated.  Josh watched Tyler hover uncertain, as if he was ready to plunge off a diving board into a pool of unknown depth.  Josh wanted to follow him far, far down.  Tyler huffed out a breath and then shoved his boxers down and stood naked before him.

Josh gave a noise somewhere between a gasp and a cough and he practically leapt up to touch the new, bare skin; hands gliding from the name—his name—on Tyler’s thigh up his side to dance across his chest.  Tyler squeaked as he played with a nipple, and Josh began sucking on his neck.

“More,” Tyler gasped and groped blindly for Josh’s underwear, finding instead the hard lines of his cock.  He gave a quick stroke through the fabric and Josh groaned and pushed his hips forward. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s shoulders as the drummer began to thrust against him, finally getting the bright idea to remove the finally barrier.  Sweet bliss as their dicks rubbed against each other, and they were already leaking a lot of precome.

Josh landed first on the bed and Tyler set to kissing and licking his way across his chest, thumbs dipping in the V-line of his pelvis. His dark hair was askew and watched open mouthed, in disbelief of the hand that came up to stroke his cock lovingly.  Josh had been waiting forever for this, only indulging in the fantasy of having Tyler naked next to him a few times.  But now they were each other’s and Josh was allowed to stroke down Tyler’s back, cup his ass and fuck into his hand.  He wanted this to last forever, but also to end in the next minute so he’d be able to immediately start remembering what it felt like to experience the vibrations of Tyler’s moans so impossibly close.

“Josh, I wanna—,” Tyler swallowed and gathered his thoughts.  He was sprawled over half of Josh, hand still pumping albeit slowly, “I wanna have sex with you, d-do you?”

Josh nearly broke his neck from nodding so vigorously, “Um, how do you want me?” He left it in Tyler’s hands knowing the singer preferred control and also seemed to be the tensest.

“Honestly dude, I can’t decide,” Tyler confessed and both broke into gales of nervous giggles, “No-no I’m serious,” Tyler wiped tears of laughter from the corner of his eyes with a hand that just released Josh’s cock, “I really wanna be inside you, but I’m kinda new to this whole thing,” Tyler flapped his hand dramatically around the room, “So I also want you to make love to me.”

Josh had a brilliant idea, “Why don’t we do both?”

“Is that even possible?” Tyler asked, doubtfully.

“I dunno, but we can try,” Josh’s hands were on his waist, guiding him to stretch out, as Josh stroked his mark, “Gotta get the, y’know, stuff for this.”

“Wow, eloquent,” Tyler said blandly, head dizzy with what was about to happen, eyeing Josh’s bare ass as he darted to his suitcase to fumble for the lube, “What? So do I spread ‘em now?” Tyler tried to make light of the situation at hand; both were equally nervous and Josh’s hands shook as he uncapped the bottle

Josh let his hand slide soothingly across Tyler's thigh and his name once again as he settled between Tyler's legs. They'd talked before; one of the many intimate van discussions. Tyler had confessed he had fingered himself before, and kinda-sorta felt something good from it. Josh was quite relieved they wouldn't be delving into this as completely foreign territory (he himself had been with other guys before, so he was more so concerned about Tyler's reaction to finally having sex). He lathered his fingers up and traced around Tyler's entrance, who shivered at the teasing.

"Do you have to....like, look so clinical about it?" Tyler said tensely, and Josh took the cue to kiss his stomach. He let his free hand come up to play with Tyler's nipple, and with the first moan, slipped a finger in.

By the time Josh was moving a second finger in him, Tyler was panting with a combination of pleasure and nerves. Josh caught his hand twitching out of the corner of his vision and looked up at his soulmate and now lover.

"You good, dude?" Josh asked.

Tyler looked unsure, "Yeah, I mean that feels good but I… I don’t wanna go first.”

Josh cocked his head and withdrew his fingers; Tyler letting out a soft whine.

“Sorry, um—I dunno.  Can you, like, bottom and then I’ll try it?”

“Alright,” Josh laughed; he went with the flow, and that’s what Tyler loved most about him.  Smiling, encouraging him through each fumbling touch and new stage.  “You okay? You ready?” Josh asked with concern and adoration in his eyes as Tyler guided his cock towards Josh’s entrance.

“I should probably be asking you that,” Tyler replied and paused in his movements, looking unsure.  He wanted Josh so badly, been waiting for so long; why had it taken so much time for them to go from eye contact on stage at that show months and months ago, to this?  Pressed so close together, almost completely together.

Josh pulled him in for a kiss that eased Tyler’s nerves and whispered, “Go ahead,” against his lips.

And Tyler pushed forward, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head.  Possibly wasn’t the most attractive face to make, but Josh’s eyes were squeezed shut—it been years since he’d done this and the preparation was a tad hasty.  Tyler was gasping in his ear and Josh too was feeling overwhelmed.

“You good?” Tyler asked and Josh nodded.

“Just…go slow initially, okay?” Tyler gave a few gentle thrusts and Josh rolled his hips back, “Good—good.  If you keep changing your angle you’ll find my prostate and—oh God, oh shit.  Do that again.”

“Yeah, you like that?” Tyler smirked, encouraged by how well this was going and he began to pick up speed and force.

“Yes—Tyler keep—harder.  C’mon, man,” Josh groaned and arched his back.

Tyler was already toeing the edge, having never experience something that felt this good with someone that he cared this much about.  He tried holding back, but it was so intense, unable to keep his eyes off of Josh fucking back onto his cock, moaning his name.

“Josh—gonna come.  Oh sh-shit, Josh!” Tyler cried out and shook, trying to bury himself as far as he could into his soulmate who kissed his cheek desperately; still not at that point yet.  Tyler squirmed against him and then stilled, chest heaving.  Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s limp form, uncrossing his ankles and letting his legs fall to the bed.

He stroked down Tyler’s back, feeling every knob and bump as his lover shivered and tried to gather his tears.  Josh was still hard, looking for his own release, but Tyler was a messy ball of emotions.

“I love you, Tyler” Josh whispered.

“I love you too” Tyler mumbled into his neck, and then looked up with reddened eyes, “Didn’t you say something about you getting a turn?”

“I—I—I mean if you’re up for it?” Josh stuttered, and felt his dick twitch with anticipation.

“You stretched me out and everything,” Tyler’s face held his usual expression that preceded mischief, “Might as well give you a happy ending too.”  He rolled off Josh and reached for the lube.

If Josh could count the reasons and ways he loved Tyler, the list would never end because the brown-eyed singer would always continue to amaze him.  Three fingers inside of himself whining desperately and looking up at Josh through his thick eyelashes; he was beautiful, and Josh pulled his hand away to line himself up.  He wasn’t going to last long, Josh knew it already but he didn’t care.  Everything felt so _good_ and he came harder than he ever had knowing the brown-eyed man beneath him would be there for the rest of his life.

They were sticky and sore and satisfied as they lay curled up together, Tyler’s hand rubbing Josh’s knee as he lay in the drummer’s arms.

“Can’t believe we’re signing to a label tomorrow,” Josh said after a long time of quietly catching their breath.

“Yeah.  It’s just…yeah,” Tyler sighed, words escaping him, “We worked so hard, and now we’re moving up.  I’m, like, really excited.”

“Me too,” Josh kissed the top of his head.

 Looking back, if they had known in that moment about the trajectory of their band, would they really have slept at all that night? And the milestones kept rolling in; bigger and bigger shows, opening up for famous bands turning into sold out headlining tours, never letting the fame take away from what their mission was. 

They signed their names on the contract with a flourish, ready for whatever the future would hold, gripping each other’s hands as anchors to stay in this moment, no matter what shall come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone that helped me, listened to me complain about not knowing what to do, and especially for those that have read through and/or patiently waited as I took my sweet ass timing finishing this.  
> thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> shivermepickles or teeentyonepilots on tumblr. it fux me up that they have their names on each other. It also appears I write a shitton of "life summary" fics--this is my third in the past month.


End file.
